Calling in sick.

This post will include complaints, honesty, and increased self-awareness.

I woke up with a headache this morning. I hate it when that happens, especially when I know that it's the kind that's only going to get worse if I try to continue with my day as planned. After twenty minutes of wrestling with the idea, I called my boss and told him what was going on. He said he's open for me and find someone else to cover.

I hate letting people down. I want to be everything for everyone, as far as my standards will allow.
I'm discovering that it's impossible, exhausting, and destructive. I spend 30 hours each week at work giving to my bosses, co-workers, and customers. I spend four hours each week preparing/teaching/co-leading Sunday School and Break Out Group. I spend two hours each week with students at Campus Life. I'm allowing myself to be drained, and I'm not being refilled quickly enough.

I'm finding that it's easy to be dragged down by the bad attitudes at work. It's easy to fall into the patterns of complaining, sarcasm, and laziness. I wanted to shine a light at my workplace, to change it for the better, but I'm allowing it to change me. And I don't like it.

I don't like coming home feeling like I can't do anything right. I don't enjoy dealing with frustrated co-workers who don't care about their jobs. (If any of you are reading this, don't act like this is new or secret information. And I know I'm not innocent here.)

I needed the break that today offered. I needed the extra sleep, not only to relieve my headache, but to give me some distance from last night. It was a busy night and we felt understaffed. There was tension that no one was trying to hide, we were all on edge, I cried, things didn't get done, and somehow we were $10 short. I usually enjoy most parts of my job. I don't mind busy nights, I can put up with the trash talk, I can delegate. But I had the strongest urge to just walk out and never come back.

At one point, one of the drivers said something about me needing something to energize me or something. He was thinking something along the lines of coffee, but it was at that moment that I realized that my life is out of balance. I'm giving without taking. I'm feeding without being fed. I'm the Yes Girl. And it's not healthy.

I need Christian fellowship with my peers. I need deeper intimacy with God. I need to allow myself to remember that I'm loved for more than my ability to do my job, to teach, to hang out with students.

I'm loved because I'm His daughter. His creation. Not for what I can do. Not for how many times I agree to do someone a favor. Not for wearing myself out trying to be the perfect employee or volunteer. Just because of who He is.

In summary:
-Work was difficult last night.
-I am allowing myself to be depleted.
-I can't do that anymore.
-I love my job and want to do it well without turning into my identity or the way my worth is determined.
-I need a Sunday night Bible study with people my age. (Any suggestions?)
-God is always good and I am always loved, even when I don't feel like either of those things is true.
-My headache needs to go away because I need to go to the bonfire tonight.